The Weight of Guilt
by Hopeless Dreamer28
Summary: "Let me tell you guilt-it's a powerful thing and if you don't let it go, it will destroy you- "Jim paused, studying Castle carefully as Castle took in his words. "There's no way you could've known this was going to happen." Scene Insert for 4x01 Rise


**A/N-** This is a scene insert for 4x01 Rise it takes place right after the scene in the precinct with Castle and the boys talking about the sniper rifle. It's something that has been sitting on my laptop for a long time and last week when I watched Rise on TNT it inspired to finish this. Thanks goes out to my Beta DMarx.

**Disclaimer: **Nope don't own Castle

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_"Guilt is a weight that will crush you whether you deserve it or not." _  
_Maureen Johnson, Girl at Sea_

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Castle trudged down the long, narrow hallway of the hospital, still in the suit he wore to Montgomery's funeral. His limbs felt heavy, like lead, the adrenaline that had carried him through the evening long gone. Castle knows he should go home and try to get some rest before heading back to the precinct, but he needs to see her. He knows she's alive, he heard the doctors say it, but he needs to see her, needs to touch her before he can believe it.

The room to the ICU was easy to spot by the two uniformed officers standing guard, and as Castle neared the door he hoped Josh wasn't there as the last thing he wanted right now was another fight. He stopped and forced a weary smile to the two officers before slowly pushing the door open.

Upon entering the dimly lit room, he caught sight of Jim slumped in a chair on the opposite side of Kate's bed, sound asleep. His eyes shifted over to the bed, taking in her appearance; she looked so pale, so small, and so lifeless. There were tubes and wires everywhere; there was a large blue tube in her mouth that was hooked up to a large machine that sat next to the bed. He stood there frozen in place, watching her for a moment, her chest rising and falling in time with the whine of the machine as it pushed oxygen into her lungs. He swallowed the lump that formed in his throat, his heart clenched tightly in his chest. This was all so wrong; it should be him laying there not her. He was the one who went poking into her mother's murder; he was the one who pushed her to look into it again.

He pulled an empty chair over to her bedside and took a seat. Castle sat there continuing to watch her; the only sounds emanating from the room were the rhythmic beeping of the heart monitor and the whine of the ventilator. He reached out, carefully so as not to disturb the IV in her hand, and skated his fingers underneath her palm as his thumb brushed back and forth lightly over her knuckles.

"I'm sorry, Kate. I'm so sorry," he murmured, his voice wavering as he bowed his head, his eyes filling with unshed tears.

He didn't know if she could hear him, but he hoped she could. He needed her to know how sorry he was. Sorry for poking into her mother's case, for pushing her to look into it again, for getting Montgomery killed, for not reacting a second sooner. If he had known it would all lead to this, he never would have opened that damn file.

He let go of her hand, took one last look at her before he stood and turned to leave. He stopped when he heard his name being called.

"Rick?" Jim said as he sat up in his chair, rubbing a hand over his face.

Castle turned to face the older man "I'm sorry if I woke you. I was just leaving."

"No. No. You didn't wake me. Have a seat," he said, gesturing toward the chair Castle had just occupied.

"I-I really should get going," Castle replied.

"Nonsense. Have a seat."

Castle stood there for a moment before walking back over and sitting in the chair once again.

"Have they found the shooter?" Jim asked leaning forward, his forearms resting on his knees, hands clasped together.

Castle drew in a deep breath and exhaled heavily, lowering his head, "No," he replied quietly.

He lifted his head up after a moment and watched as Jim dropped his head, his shoulders slouched forward, the stress and pain of the day weighing him down. Silence fell between them then and Castle returned his gaze onto Kate. After a moment he finally spoke up.

"How's she doing?" Castle asked.

Jim looked up over at his daughter and Castle saw the grief and fatigue on his face, his eyebrows knitted together in a frown. "Doctors say the next twenty four hours are critical," he answered, voice flat.

Castle couldn't imagine what Jim must be going through right now. Here he is, a man that has already lost wife and now could very well lose his daughter.

"She's going to make it though," Jim said suddenly, snapping Castle back from his thoughts. He meets Jim's gaze. "You know her. She's a fighter, Rick."

Castle wasn't sure if Jim was trying to reassure himself, him or both of them; Castle deemed it was probably the latter.

Jim stifled a laugh, startling Castle. "Look at us. If Katie were awake right now she'd yell at both of us, tell us to go home and get some sleep and to stop worrying about her." Castle couldn't stop the smile that spread across his face. Because that's exactly what she would say.

Silence once again fell between them, neither one not knowing what else to say. Castle returned his gaze back to Kate. He wanted to say something, but for once he was at a loss for words. What do you even say to the man whose daughter is lying in a hospital bed fighting for her life because of you?

"This wasn't your fault Rick." Jim finally spoke up. Castle looked over at him as Jim continued to speak. "And look, son, I know you probably think I blame you for this, but the only person I blame is the person who shot my daughter."

Castle averted his eyes from Jim's gaze. "But I pushed her to look into her mother's –"

"How long have you known my daughter? Almost three years?" Jim asked, and Castle looked back at him and nodded slightly, "And in all that time have you ever known anyone to push her into doing something she didn't want to do?"

Castle didn't answer him. He didn't need to. They both knew the answer.

"The day Johanna was killed, I had called her," Jim began, voice devoid of any emotion as his eyes fell to the floor. "I told her that Katie and I would pick her up on the way to the restaurant. But she told me to just go on and that she'd meet us there because she had some things to take care of, and instead of arguing about it I said okay…" he trailed off. He paused for a moment, he raised his head and Castle could see the sadness in the older man's eyes. "And that was the last time I talked to my wife," his voice wavered, he paused, swallowing the lump in his throat as he let out a long drawn out sigh, "After her death I blamed myself. I kept thinking if only I had gone ahead and dropped by and picked her up, she might still be alive."

It was in this moment that Castle knew his assumption about Jim had been wrong. It wasn't the loss of his wife that had driven him to drink, it had been guilt.

"So I've been where you are. And let me tell you guilt-it's a powerful thing and if you don't let it go, it will destroy you- "Jim paused, studying Castle carefully as Castle took in his words. "There's no way you could've known this was going to happen."

Castle dropped his head. Jim was right and he knew he was right. There was no way he could have known this would happen; it was supposed to have been over. Montgomery had sacrificed himself to make sure it was over.

Jim got up and made his way across the room, gently placing a hand on Castle's shoulder. "Go home. Hug your daughter, get some sleep. I'll call you if anything changes."

Castle didn't look up; he just kept his eyes on Kate for a moment before he slowly rose from the chair. Jim gave him a weak smile, as he headed toward the door. He paused at the door, turning back for one final glance at her. He saw that Jim was now perched in the chair keeping vigil by his daughter's bedside. He knew deep down inside she was going to make it. That it would take a hell of a lot more than a bullet to kill Kate Beckett.

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_Thoughts?_


End file.
